I'm Going to be Transparent

I had a horrible time at my old Psychiatrists meeting, she intimidated me and scared me. Thinking i was going to be admited in to a mental factility..I was manic and she made me worse. It wasn't until i got in the car with my wife that i felt better. Thank God for my wife she has totally looked out for my best interested. God Has looked out for me again... Thank you Jesus.

I'm going to be transparent now and share some of my feelinigs...

Hurts- From when I was a child being molested, multiple times,from neighbor kids, baby siters. And even older at 23 by my moms friend while i watched her house for her.

Fears- Of negative thoughts. Fears of being anxious, fears of being Bipolar and Manic. I fear I don't like being Manic.

Doubts- Sometimes I doubt Gods Word. I don't trust Gods Word. Sometimes I don't think Gods promises are for me. I put my will in place of Gods will and allow my will to precede over Gods.

Guilt- I feel guilty when I'm Manic. I feel it's my fault, I feel overwhelmed by my guilty feelings and my anxiouus thoughts.

Lust- My lustful thoughts have pretty much disappeared. It has been so long since since I have seen anything lustful.. Porn Or Hardcore... that I don't even have a feeling for it. Somethings that would seem harmful to others don't even effect me.

Memories- Memories of my childhood still affect me I could name off many memories of my moms bad memories, Crazy fun times but were so bad. We broke the law on a daily basis. Lord remove these thoughts & memories from me.

Worries- I have worries again, about being manic, I have worries about how I'm going to be mellow or vanillia or manic, depressed. When I get depressed my day gets focused on self and not on God. I hate that and I get worried. God save me from my self.

Judging- Sometimes I judge my kids, I need Gods help with this this. It is ungodly and it hurts me. Not them. God please help me to not hurt them and my self.

Self Pity- I remember a time when My wife and I didn't have any money and we were suffering. Lord what do we do. I yelled at God and still no response. There was nothing I could do. I felt self Pity. I did all I could Humanly do. All I could do was lay down my will and wait on God to do whatever He wanted. Boy did He provide, More than I could ever have desired. But it wasn't until I said Ok not my will but your will.

Bitterness- I am bitter about being Bipolar & I know I mention this alot but I am. Bipolar rules my life. I am scared about being Manic. I am worried about being depressed. I love feeling Vanilla. If I could just be vanilla life would be great! But bitt- erness kreeps into my life when leest expected and i never address it, I leave it there to dwell in my heart/mind.

Unforgiveness- I sometimes have unforgivness towards my family when they don't understand my feelings or my Manina or my Depression. I'm not always Mello or Vanilla. I wish they would understand. Forgive Me for having these feelings.

Criticalness- Wow, I am critical about everything. Self is first and this makes me envy and critical about everything. sometimes I amcritical about how people dress, the way people dress, the way people act, the way people talk, God help me to not be so critical. This is definately my greatest downfall. Praise God He can live through me.

Give God all our Fears, Hurts, Disapointments, Anxieties, Confusions, Insicurities.

Php 2:5 For let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus

Pro 23:7 for as he thinks in his heart, so is he; Eat and drink, he says to you, but his heart is not with you.

Gal 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, and I live; yet no longer I, but Christ lives in me. And that life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith toward the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself on my behalf.

If you would like some godly counsel or just want to share, you can E-Mail me here...
Dave@christian-internet.com

1 comment:

denise proffitt said...

Your honesty disarms me, it shines a light on the dark places in me, you have a lot of courage, thank you