Daves Autobiography

Hi my name is David Hallahan, I think…. I have never seen my Dad before… Not a picture or a name. I honestly don’t believe my Mom knows who my Dad was either. It was the 60’s, Children of the flowers, free love. I grew up passing the joint at home from my Mom to one of her close friends. You know, laughing and talking about nothing, but the air was full of words. Anyway when my Mom married Mike Hallahan my peaceful life became a living Hell. More of that later
My Mom gave me my first joint when I was 11 and said “I would rather you smoke in front of me than hide it behind my back.”
My first Childhood memory was when I was 2, Santa Clause gave me my first Batman plastic car, foot powered of course. Oh I also remember eating the dog food, it was great. I remember wrestling on the carpet with my Mom when I ended up In the Hospital with my neck in traction. I remember being Tarzan and jumping off the bar stools to see if I could fly, another failed attempt. I remember playing “Pin the tail on the donkey” I think I was 3 and a Red Schwinne bike.
What I remember after that was flying back and forth, from 5-8yrs old to my Grandparents during the summer and fly back to Glendale Ca. with my Mom and Oh, another boyfriend that wanted to become my Daddy figure and make a difference in my life.
My life consisted of getting High, riding my skateboard and wishing I were someone else.
The most vivid memory I have is at 3yrs old when I walked into the kitchen seeing my Mom on the floor, blood everywhere. Russ her boyfriend had beat her with the butt end of a 9mm Gun. Broke her Jaw but not her will. I ran out of the house crying. There was also a kid in this neighborhood that molested me again and again. I wish I could forget about it and wish it all away. I tell my Wife these stories and she cries for me. I found my first taste of Porn under my mom’s boyfriend Russes recliner chair. Just that magazine alone was enough to ruin my life and every aspect of it, even into my future.

Chapter 2.
I do remember when my Grandparents and my Mom sat me down at 8 yrs old; and asked me who I wanted to live with. It was a very tense moment. My Grandparents were buying me motorcycles and a rich lifestyle. I remember one time I accidentally tripped a Nun down a flight of stairs. That got me kicked out….
But I was confused and scared. Of course I picked my Mom and our poor circumstances. We barely made it through a day, sometimes only on toasted bread and peanut butter. That was rich to me.

I remember that we (Mom, Mike and I) would move after being evicted out of every House or Apartment we ever lived in. I remember this one House we lived in. It was next door to a hermit. You could barely get to the front door for all the trash. But what was weird was that he had at least 100 cats (not kidding) and he would just open the top of the can and throw the can down and let them fight over it. The scary thing for me was when I shot at the cats with my BB – gun and I actually got one in the eye. I’ll never forget the guilt and shame I lavished on myself for what I had done. Then they came and took all our furniture, because Mike Hallahan drank our rent at the local Bar.
If you haven’t guessed, I went to several elementary and Jr High schools.
Never had friends and always got kicked out of schools. And lots of empty pools to Skateboard all summer long
.
Just to set up the next portion; My Mom was married to Mike since I was 5 until I was 14 Thank God she finally got some sense and left Him after he would beat both of us. He broke my mom’s arm, wrist, tail bone, thumb and even if I was pretending to be asleep or hiding in my closet, they would still come into my room to drag it out.
Sometimes my Mom would escape and call the police. They would take him away most every Friday and Saturday night.
My point is this…. He would also verbally abuse me when he got home from work. Calling me many curse words until my Mom would come home, then it would stop. One day I went to School and the boy behind me would call me the same words. I wanted to kill him. When class was over I waited for him to come out and then bang, right in the nose. His glasses went flying. Either he couldn’t see me or he just didn’t know how to fight, I’m not sure but it was sweet revenge. I got kicked out of school for 3 days all the time. When I came home that night I thought Hallahan would kill me.
Instead he said “did you win?” I said “hell yeah! “ And that was the end of it, not a word later.

Chapter 3
I had a blast when my bicycle friends and I would vandalize an elementary school that was directly across the street from my house. Not smart.
We broke windows and turned over desks. It had that really slick kind of concrete in the open hallway’s. One of us broke the drinking faucet and water was spraying everywhere, so our bikes would slide forever. Finally someone called the Cops. 3 cars pulled up and we scattered, all 12 of us. Also across the street was a 3 story hotel, (Holiday Inn). I got in the elevator and went to the top and tried to hide. My plan “B” was to go home and hide there. So that’s what I did…Great Idea! Until the toughest kid Rodger told the Cops where I lived. Why did he do that? When my Mom opened the door there they were, Rodger and a Cop. She said this is the first time the cops aren’t here for big Hallahan. After the cop saw my mother’s anger he said “you’re better off here son.” My Mom spanked me with whatever she could get her hands on first. It just so happens to be my Tennis Racket. Yeah that hurt.

I can also remember when my Friend and I rode through the city looking for women’s purses. If they were on one arm or hand we would ride as fast as we could up on the sidewalk and grab the purse. We would spend the cash on our Skateboards but then bury the credit cards and the purse. It was dangerous but it was a rush. That was in downtown Glendale, Ca.
It was at this time that my Mom and I would steal. One time it was Christmas and we didn’t have a dime between us for a Christmas tree. So we went to the local nursery. I jumped the fence and threw the best one over to Mom. It was then that some dogs began chasing me trying to take a piece of my _ _ _ Ha, I made it. Now how do we get that tree in the car?
Another time is when we went to the movie theatres and when we were leaving I saw that 2 bikes weren’t chained. So my Mom and I threw the bikes in the trunk and drove home. Nothing was said about the Christmas Tree or the Bikes, life just went on. Everything was normal until she would get so loaded that she would embarrass me in front of our company or my friends. I hated that part of my youth. She would make me do everything. Even go pick up her drugs, a briefcase full of money and then back home with a briefcase full of drugs At 16 I didn’t think of what would happen if I got caught. Oh well! One more thing my Mom taught me. As long as you don’t get caught there are no circumstances.
The funniest things my friends and I would do is lift cars ( VW’s) over the street curbs to the front door so the owners would freak out. Fun!
So pain Killers, pot and skateboarding was the norm for the mid 70” teenager. There were empty pools everywhere because of the California drought.
One time my best friend, John Linginfield, and I looked like twins. We were at my house for dinner. I said some off the wall thing and she smacked John instead of me. That was funny! John didn’t even see it coming. I remember John and I would sneak into Disneyland on Mushrooms and we would steal Brown Derby Hats from a Disney hat stand. And put them in a storage locker. So we were never in Disneyland carrying our cool hats. When we left they were there waiting for us.
Warning! Don’t go to Disneyland on Mushrooms. It was crazy – crazy!


Chapter 3.
I remember my first Skateboard. It was a wooden Black Knight with clay wheels. It wasn’t long after that the smooth Cadillac Polyurethane wheels came out. My Mom and I were always so poor, I thought I would never get those wheels. But then my break was at the local grocery store, very early in the morning. The man that collected the money from the newspaper stands left all the change out in bags. So I rode up and grabbed 3 or 4 bags of quarters and bought my Cadillac wheels.
The new bands were great to listen to. You know; Aerosmith, Ted Nugent, Van Halen, Cars, Led Zeppelin, ELO, Stix, . They were our bands. We grew up with them. You know when you smell a flower or fresh cut grass… It reminds you of your favorite bands. Now it’s called Classic Rock, which it is but that just makes me feel old. I’m 53 now
I also remember a couple of off the wall things, when I was around 15yrs old. I did something wrong one day and my Mom chased me around the house with a rug beater. After she put a hole in the drywall, I finally stopped her and said “I’m bigger than you and your not going to hit me with that thing, sorry! She was crazy, no kidding! She would do and say bizarre things all the time. Sometimes she was fun to be around and sometimes she was an embarrassment. It depended on the right mixture of alcohol and drugs.
One day she told me to do the dishes, so I did. Then she came in and said there are still dishes all over the kitchen, so I put all the clean dishes all over the counters and said now….”Those are dishes all over the kitchen.”
At 14-15 I would hang out at the garage of Lonnie Tomes, in Tujunga, Ca. He was a pro guitarist. His band came with 2 drummers and some hot tunes; Hendrix style. He never paid attention to who was there. It was a huge garage with couches and chairs everywhere. Hey as long as we were his rowdies he would give us hash and some pot as long as we packed his equipment. Every weekend was an adventure. There were music agents and scouts looking to sign good bands. So Lonnie wanted everything perfect.
It was around 8yrs old that I began flying to Overland Park Kansas City to live with my rich Grandparents during the summer and then I would fly back to the dirt yards and drugs of Tujunga, Ca. I could be a chameleon any day. You want me to be rich? No problem. I ruled the block because we had the only pool in our neighborhood. You want me to live like a hell raiser on dirt yards back In Cali, no problem.
Back in California, stealing and hurting people, anyone it didn’t matter anymore who it was, you could have been my friend, we were moving soon enough anyway. So people go away or I will steal your bike or your skateboard with no regrets.
I remember in my younger years there were nights when we were driving home up to Tujunga, Ca. From the bar my Mom worked at. After elementary school I would go to my Mom’s work and play pool in the bars and Foosball. It was great all the drunks wanted me on their teams. I would stay and hangout until it was closing time. Which meant one thing Mike Hallahan and my Mom were both drunk.
Chapter 4.
They would fist fight (no kidding) all the way home, 45 min drive. Sometimes pulling over to fight in someone’s front yard until the cops came. I was petrified! I would hide behind trash cans or anything so he couldn’t find me. I have no clue how they could drive so drunk.
There were a lot of girls in my youth, but I seemed to end up with the ones that needed more help than I did. That got old.
I remember girls trying to fix me, Ha; I knew how to fool anyone.
On my 16th Birthday I rolled out all kinds of old carpet in the dirt backyard. And had a band and there were at least 100 people there. Most of whom I didn’t know. We lived on a street corner house. That night I got my first hickey. My Mom came unglued. Also that night My Moms Longest boyfriend (Mike Bauch) had a very big vase full of quarters that went missing. I was dust….Another Skateboard taken away.
At 16 yrs old; we all moved up to Oregon to relocate in the forest. Wow! Who’s Idea was that? Go North young man! No Way, I was not going for that.
I’m not exaggerating. They unpacked everything into a storage unit and said they would be back for me later to move into something permanent.
“Wait your leaving me here?” I didn’t act like it but I was scared and after time I had a very rebellious attitude. Until Mike’s old man wanted to put me in a boy’s private school for rebellious kids. It didn’t work.
In the mean time I lived with Mike Bauche’s 80 yr old Mom & Dad and go to yet another school. This time it was High School. And boy was I angry. There was one kid that never resisted my personal attacks so almost every day I would grab him and put his head in the toilet and flush, classic. He would almost always go to first period with a wet head every day.
All I wore were Van’s Skateboard shoes, OP shorts and Flowered button up surf shirts.
Straight from Skateboard central to logger kids. This is not going to work! It was the longest we stayed in one town so I actually went to the same school for 3 yrs. Wow a miracle.
Even though I had fun stealing Vicodin and Valiums from Mike’s Dad. It wasn’t until I was in High School that my Mom showed up and finally went to A.A. She admitted that she was alcoholic and a drug addict. All this because she drove Mike’s lifted super charged Chevy Blazer through several front yards and then landing on it’s side.
I thought great! we can start over again. But that never happened. Oh we lived in a couple of houses but nothing was made right. I was always angry at my Mom for leaving me. She was seeing someone else from A.A. There in Southern Oregon (Cave Junction) His name was Jimmy Williams. I ignored Mike, he too was seeing someone else. So the days were lonely and the nights were harder. I had to learn how to grow up with no parents at 16yrs. So I turned to girls, pot, mushrooms, valiums, and alcohol, anything it didn’t matter what it was, I would take it or drink it. Staying at friends houses and hanging out was the norm. I was never home. As a matter of fact I lived at my best friend’s house in Selma, Oregon for about 3yrs, It was the most fun I ever had in school. We were close like brothers.
I was an avid and almost a professional drummer in high School. I just so happened to be the second drummer in the Valley so everyone wanted me to be in their bands. I did rehearse and practice with one of my best friends, Mike St George. We loved the same bands and were influenced by the same music.
It was here in 1980 that I robbed my high School of 4 professional Sony Microphones $600.00 and Cords during lunch hour. I walked to the back door of the music class room while everyone was at lunch and stuffed the lock with paper so the door wouldn’t close or lock. Walked back to the front door so everyone could see me and then went to the microphone cabinet and stuffed the mic’s into my jacket, went out the back door and put the mic’s in Mike St Georges car. Then I walked back in through the back door removing the paper, went out the front door and ate lunch, I made sure everyone saw me so there was no connection to the Music room. I never heard a word about the theft. Well, Mike and I had some killer recording sessions. The Band was called “Imagine”… really?
Chapter 5.
There were many parties there in the Valley and more Pot than anyone could smoke. We lived in the Marijuana capitol between California and Oregon. (Takillma and Payonia) So that was cool.
When you drove through the scariest parts of the Valley (The Takillma River) they walked around the summer naked wearing guns. It’s funny now, but I was scared to death then. We would find a good swimming hole, skinny dip and just hang out. It was peaceful and quiet. Nobody, not even the hippies bothered you, except for the memories in your mind and the present moment, I hated the present moment, so escape!
I remember going out with a girl who tried to keep an arm distance from me. She invited me to go to church with her that Sunday. I thought “hey whatever it takes, Hell I’ll go to church.” When the message was over, the Pastor invited people up front for Salvation. I thought there were a thousand pounds of weight on me. I tried to get up and go forward but I just couldn’t.
Another time came when my best friend Mike St George and I were smoking in the Dairy Queen parking lot late that night.
I couldn’t believe my eyes; these two guys came to us with Bibles in their hands and proceeded to take off my plastic face. I looked around and Mike was crying he was so mad. “He was convinced there was a counsel of gods ruling the earth.
To this day I don’t know why this kid gave me a card with his church information on it.
I was like butter, convicted by the Holy Spirit. But he never asked me if I wanted to pray the sinner’s prayer…. I would have been saved right then and there. A New Creation!
Chapter 5

It wasn’t until later that year that I remember stealing about a pound of pot out of a cargo chest that belonged to Jimmy, no biggy, there was plenty left.
I thought I better read my Moms Bible. It just made sense to me then. So I did and God met me there in Genesis 1:1. “In the beginning God created” Not Man. I got saved by reading Gods Word. I couldn’t wait to tell someone.
So I found my Mom and we prayed the sinners prayer.
The biggest drug dealer and thief got saved. Now what do I do? I burned all my bad shirts, albums, pipes, bongs and posters ect. It was a beautiful flame, different than a normal flame. Wow… delivered!
I went to the local Baptist church but that was too Vanilla. It wasn’t until I got Keith Greens tapes and free magazine did I relate and ground myself into Christianity. Listening only to Christian music, Keith Green, the Resurrection band, Servant. They rocked.
I started playing the drums with some really cool Christian hippies from the church I began to call home. That was different. Three guys from the church asked me if I wanted to get baptized with the Holy Spirit ? I said “you mean there’s more?” So we literally went up to the upper room and God gave me the gift of speaking in tongues.
I felt so excited to serve the lord with and however He wanted. So I began praying over each chair in the sanctuary, that they might hear Gods voice that morning.
But I remember playing the drums with these guys. It sounded incredible.
The plan was to tour all the Christian colleges in America, I was 18.

Finally out of High School 1981 of which I never made it past 11th grade because of Math. My Mom’s boyfriend Jimmy took me on a long ride and we snorted a bag of Cocaine and somehow he talked me into joining the Navy, it look like Eve’s apple.
But before the navy I tried out for a Christian band that was going to tour large colleges. I had to tell them I joined the navy. They were shocked. “are you sure this is Gods will for you?” I was confused, I didn’t know what Gods will was and they seemed more mature as Christians than I. It didn’t seem to take long for Satan to come around with temptation. I did backslide not long after I got saved me. I want to blame a church or a Pastor for my falling out, because nobody discipled me..
Chapter 6
So I went to San Diego Navy base for boot camp…. 2 months later I ended up at the Lemoore’s Naval base for flight school. I never thought I had that much evil in me. But I took every drug and took on all beer bong challenges. I was so angry at Jimmy, that I never followed lawful orders, like scrubbing toilets or sweeping, or whatever they said, I would walk the other way. I got wrote up almost every day. We traveled to many exotic places; Australia, Thailand, Hawaii, Philippines and Singapore, believe it or not I stayed in Singapore with a girl and plenty of money for about a week. But the Military Police caught me and flew me back on the ship. Man were they mad at me! It was back to the Brig buddy.
I saw all the ports except Australia. I missed it because I was in the Brig (jail) on the Midway Aircraft Carrier, 3 days bread and water. No Kidding; three times a day they would come into the cell with a loaf of bread and a pitcher of water, that’s it.
I remember one time on the Aircraft Carrier when the captains and admiral would come my way. Usually you just walked out of the way so nobody had to salute. This time I just walked to them and by them without saluting. They grabbed me and said do you know who we are? I said “a man just like me.” I spent a week bread and water in the brig. .Boy did I get in trouble for that.
Believe me I tried everything to get kicked out but they wouldn’t let me. Finally they did kick me out with a general discharge just to get rid of me and sent me to San Francisco, Ca. It was Close to Berkeley, Ca.
Right on now what do I do? Back in the States, some buddies that got kicked out at the same time as I, went to an AC/DC “Back in Black” concert, and had a blast until reality finally set in.
Chapter 6
I got to my Mom’s home just in time to see more alcohol violence on the living room floor. Only this time I was big enough to do something about it. Enough said. I have bailed my Mom out of a lot of unpleasant situations, (craziness for one) houses and men. Somehow she always picked the violent ones. It was then at 23 or so, that I went to live at my Granma’s house in Temecula, Ca.
I finally got another car. My Grandparents always gave me cars, it was great!
I found all the right drug connections within a week. It wasn’t hard, he lived next door. He sold pounds of Coke. I was impressed. He was my hero.
I lived there for about 5 yrs - trouble, sex and drugs. Some friends and I kept close to each other, kind a like a gang. . At this time my Aunt and my Grandmother bought a Restaurant in the Bowling Alley Lounge. It was classier than you would expect from a Bowling Alley, great bands and lots of meth.
My cousin Bernie and I, he was just visiting with me and Gram for a weekend. We decided to go to our local bar and commenced to watching the baseball world series on T.V. It happened that some girl in the bar lost her wedding ring in the saw dust. So I blurted out, “I got it, now everybody needs to just chill out!” I said “even the bartender is freaking out”. So he came across the bar grabbed me by my long hair and dragged me to the front door and literally kicked me out and my white Nikes.
In the mean time my cousin seemed to be taking his sweet time while I had the bride on me and the groom trying to kick my _ _ _! Hurry Bernie let’s get out of here. He finally started the car and we bailed from that bar. That was a close call.
We’ll before we went home I told Bernie about a cool lake we needed to check out.. So when we got there we had to go thru some fences but we got there. Then we heard it, a gun shot in our direction and someone yelling “get off the property”, and another shot. So we bailed that place too. Another close call.
Chapter 7
After Bernie left, It was about then that I became close friends with the guy who lived across the street. His name was Kirck O’Connell; He was a full blown Punk rocker. He had a huge Mohawk, studs and chains. But it wasn’t until later that Kirck and I would pool our money together so we could share a 12 Pack of brew between us, usually around 10:00 am at the Temecula Park.
This might sound weird but there was a lost dog that we would buy Doggy Treats for.
What’s so funny is that everyday about the same time that kooky dog would show up and we would give him some snacks, while Kirck and I would drink. Somehow Kirck was always drunk most everyday and night. He was embarrassing to be around because he was so obnoxious, a real Punk, or he would throw up in my car. Pissed me off!
After a couple visits to my Moms place in Anaheim, Ca, Where Jimmy owned a roofing Company. It was my job to drive Jimmy to all the roofing jobs he was doing. I drove because he was usually too loaded to drive because of Heroin. And he would give me all the blow I wanted as long as I drove.
Jimmy, that great guy, showed me how to get more out of Cocaine by using a needle in your arm and you’ll get high for hours.
I wanted Coke so bad it didn’t matter who I used I just wanted to get high. I remember a Mexican from Jimmy’s hang out who I didn’t know, asked me to drive him to Arcadia, Ca. to a strip mall. I had a huge station wagon and we broke into the front door with my tire jack and grabbed anything we could carry and through it into the back and drove off in Seconds. I thought I would pee my pants when I saw 5 or 6 Cops pull in right when we were pulling out. Close call. All that for a little bag of Coke. I could have went to jail for 2 - 4 yrs. Stupid.
About then I moved in with a room mate in San Clemente, Ca. to surf more steadily and consistent. That only lasted for as long as my Grandma could afford it, about 1 yr. There I was 24 yrs old and still have not paid a bill in my life. All I did was Surf. She finally pulled the plug and I was a Valley Boy again, back to Temecula.
But I must add a story here… the year 1984; a bunch of us took a handful of Mushrooms and we were high as a kite. We just happen to end up parking at the local baseball field that was up on a hill. As High and stupid as I was, I started to flip the stadium lights on and off. A light signal for all the San Clemente cops to see.
4 Cop cars drove up slowly. I don’t think any of us even saw them. One of them turned me around and cuffed me right then and there! “Are you David Hallahan?” Yes… come with us. How did he know my name? You have a warrant for your arrest. All for an unsafe U-turn on a motorcycle 3 yrs ago in Anaheim, Ca.
I got my 1 call from jail and so I called my Grandfather to come get me. But he was too drunk to drive. I forgot that detail. My Grandfather was usually tanked by noon. So I wasted my 1 call. Spent the night in our local jail and then they took us to Orange County. I was very scared but tried hard not to show it. There were three of us chained together from San Clemente. So just to keep up my Tuff Style and so no one would mess with me, I ended up trying to hurt the guy chained in the middle. He was weak. Even the guy on the other side wailed on him too. In County Jail one day and out the next. The judge threw out the case as the Orange County jails were over stuffed.
Chapter 8
When I got out I went to my Mom and Jimmy’s house. More drugs and then more drugs.
I hung out in the local Anaheim Park and drank beer and smoked pot. It was then that my Grandmother needed my help moving into her new house and so I moved in too.
So back to Temecula, Ca. I started working the Bowling Alley Lounge serving tables. Made good tips and met a lot of girls that would let me live with them until I would finally go home to Grandma’s house. There’s nothing like the peace and serenity of living with someone who loves you no matter what you do. She always washed my clothes and ironed my shirts. She always made sure I had at least $20.00 in my pocket, Just in case I needed it.
It was around here that I was at my grandmother’s bowling alley drinking and watched a cowboy tripped some lady coming from the bathroom. I don’t know what overcame me but I got up and punched that guy right in the nose and then jumped on top of him and proceeded to punch him as much and hard as I could. Some off duty cop held me in a cop hold strangling me. I was kicking because I had asthma.
I went outside on the steps and the lady (Claudine) sat down next to me and she thanked me for standing up for her.
Our relationship grew and we got married. It lasted for 5 years. She was well off and bought me anything I wanted.
She was never into Jesus and said so. She said I didn’t marry a Christian or Pastor.

It was In 1985 I wanted to commit suicide with a gun. I had everything I ever wanted. Toyota 4x4’s, Kawasaki 125’s . Pool in the back yard, you name it. But I was still empty. There must be more to life than this! I was a spoiled brat at the end of my rope; no pun intended.
It was then that I kept hearing this voice saying “Go to Church”…
God and I have a different kind of relationship. I yell and He stays Sovereign. I don’t always want to bend but if brokenness and humility has to happen, I will bend.
So the next Sunday I went in all black leathers, Black vest and black boots. The funny thing is when they gave the altar call, they weren’t going to stop until their visitor finally went forward. “Uh, It was evident that I was the Visitor.”
Chapter 9.
The following Sunday a friend, invited me to come check out a blues band. I didn’t even know it was a Church. And I was into the Blues. The band leader was Darrell Mansfield. He was the harmonica dude. And as he was leading the altar call. I went up before he was done. Claudine stayed in her chair. The Hound of Heaven got me again. And so I rededicated my heart to Jesus in 1986. I served in any way possible. I used to hand out Track’s at the super markets. Telling everyone about Jesus. I also used to hang out at the local movie theaters to evangelize. Pretty soon Pastor Brian made me a deacon at Calvary Murrieta.
I was the first drummer the church had ever experienced and I loved doing the sound board with a brother named Brett Applegate. Who later became my best friend and taught me a carpet profession that gave me a future. Brett and I were very close friends. He would lay the rooms while I would evangelize the owner. I killed my body but I was still sharing Jesus to anyone that would listen. Claudine and I were completely living two separate lives. We tried counseling with Pastor Brian Bell. But she wasn’t going for it and neither was I. It was at the time I was doing finish work on track homes in Lake Elsinore. There was a lay off for everyone.
Then gave my Resume” to Double Tree Suites In Temecula, Ca. The Resume’ stated that I could do just about anything to the Hotel. And out of 200 or so applicants I got the job as First Assistant Maintenance man at the Hotel… Pretty cool huh?
It was then that I got the phone call…. Mike Hallahan was on the other end asking me if he could come visit me and my Mom. I thought I was going to pee my pants I was so filled with fear. I couldn’t believe he was back in my life. How could this happen? I told him he could never see my Mom as long as I lived but he could come visit me. As it was part of his A.A.12 step program to make amends with those they have hurt. Uh, that would be me.
I saw him walking up my driveway. Finally my big day to get back at Hallahan for all the crying and pain he put me and my Mom through. I was going to try my best to knock him out and back down the driveway. I don’t know what happened (Holy Spirit) but my arms reached out to him and I hugged him. what is going on? (It was the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit) I said “it was because of Jesus that I was able to forgive him for everything he had done to us.” He came in and he prayed the sinners prayer with me right there on my couch. Hallahan got saved with many tears. Wow. I was Shocked!
I was proud to take him to church that Sunday, he was a new man!
By the way the car he drove was a classic Chevy ElCamino and 2 pounds of pot behind the seats. It was stolen out of my driveway and was a real bummer. I had to drive him back to Lake Havasu, AZ. where he lived. God has a way of taking what is dear to us and replacing it with Jesus.
Chapter 10
It was here that I had a Sand Rail. So Claudine and I would grab a bunch of my friends and we would go to Ocotillo Wells to ride my 125’s and the sand rail. It was very hot and so we drank a lot.
I remember one day we were out on the dessert and my friend Dave got lost and ran out of gas. He pushed that bike through the sand back to civilization. I just so happen to see him emerge at the motels entrance. He looked like he was dying so I picked him up and threw him into the motel pool. I didn’t know that a cold pool could put someone into hypo-thermia. We would also go to a place in the dessert called Glammis Dunes. I parked and wanted to scout out the place to see where we were going to set up camp. So I got on my dirt bike and rode off as fast as I could and drove right out over one of the dunes about 50 feet deep. So as I was going down, I couldn’t decide whether to ditch the bike or try to pull it up.
I tried to pull up when I finally hit that sand. My upper back and body went up and almost thru the handle bars. I laid there unable to move yelling for help. Finally a kid came by on a quad. So I said just get me back on the bike. I rode very slowly back and went to the local hospital and found it over crowded with motorcycle accidents. Claudine and I went back home.
Anyhoo…that same Dave stole some weed from a local Temecula pot dealer. The dealer knew me by name only and so when he heard Dave stole the pot out of his house he came over to my house with a sawed off shotgun and threatened me with my life right there on my block in front of my neighbors and everybody.
Some girl was in my garage and saw a picture of Dave and me on my dirt bikes. She said is this the Dave that did it? Saved my life and all my fear was released. He had the wrong Dave. I hate that!

Chapter 11
It was around here that I was becoming very upset about my marriage to Claudine. when I met Erin it was like a dream girl come true; we lived in the same towns at the same times while we were growing up. Like, while I was in High School in Redwood shores, Ca. she was there too. It was funny that our parents were alike and we just clicked. A Soul Mate! At the time we were both working at the Double Tree Suites, She worked the front desk and I did the maintenance on the Hotel. Finally I approached the front desk and said to her “I just wanted you to know that you make my knees weak” so I just said what was natural, “ would you like to go out to lunch together?” She said sure. After we drank our lunch of long neck Michelob’s I don’t think we ever did go back to work that day. We just talked and talked, we had so much in common it was crazy. I did notice that when she showed up for work she was a tattered mess. Her boyfriend who was 20 yrs older than her was abusing her and she was abusing meth.
I didn’t care, another girl to fix, no problem.
As we became closer and closer I told her I would get an apartment for us If she would leave her 40 yr old boyfriend. She was shocked that I did just that.
One night while I was in my Apartment alone she called around 3:00am and was hysterical on the phone. Her boyfriend came home a week early from some convention and found two glasses and two different kinds of cigarettes in the ash tray. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.
And so he beat her with a coat hanger for cheating on him. She needed help! So I got my black neighbor and best friend Randy and we drove up to Fallbrook to get her. Randy had guns and we were pumped and angry. When we got there I grabbed everything that was Erin’s and stuffed it in black trash bags.
She moved in with me and that was it. She did, single handedly destroyed my Credit. A credit card here and a stereo there a bed here and some dishes there and plenty of Tequila at Randy’s. We were like kids with all our credit cards. After all we had to fill an empty Apartment.
It was now when Erin and I were killing ourselves with tequila and meth. It was a Sunday and we were drinking Bloody Maries for breakfast. That morning my Mom just so happen to come for a visit. And she asked Erin if she had ever heard of Jesus and that He could forgive her for everything? She said tell me more. So my Mom looked at me to finish the deed. To this day I don’t know how but we ended up kneeling on the carpet and praying the Sinners prayer. It seemed like Erin cried for two days. And God healed her heart. She was hanging on to a lot of baggage. But when she got saved God totally did a complete overhaul. She quit smoking, cussing, and drugs and alcohol all at one time and she never went back. Unlike me.
God ruined my plan. I was living with a wild girl and backslid my way right out of Pastoring the youth at Murrieta, Ca. Calvary Chapel. Wow… I had it made in my apartment with Erin and all the sin I could consume. Erin did finally ask, “are we supposed to be living together?” Uh, well, no. Now what? We were going to Horizon Christian Fellowship there in San Diego under Mike McIntosh’s Horizon. Erin and I were being disciple and going to church there as much as we could. Convicted at Horizon about our lifestyle I packed my clothes and went back to Pastor Brian’s house in Murrieta. He let me stay there until things got figured out. I couldn’t take it anymore, I got Erin’s nice dresses and drove us to Las Vegas and lo and behold, we were married, it was awesome. What timing, my divorce papers came on the day we got home from Las Vegas.
Chapter 12.
After about a year went by; Double tree didn’t allow fraternizing. So I was keeping Erin from moving up as long as we worked at the same place. So I quit and started surfing again. Surfing always reminded me of my youth. I used to surf everyday at Pacific Beach and now I was back surfing everyday again. Right On!
After I quit Double Tree Suites, Erin moved up the ranks with the Double Tree Suites. She was the top sales girl for the Double Tree in Del Mar, Ca.. She taught sales classes on how to sell your hotel. Then we got pregnant with Josh…. Awesome! But that killed my surfing days.
Erin said “you have to work now.” That was a shock because I was used to her working and me surfing all day up and down the coast of Ca. Wherever the waves were good, that made sense to me. Wha ha? a Job? That didn’t make sense to me….
Guess which Job I went back too? I really abused my body, from my Elbows to my Hips, Knees and my Lower Back. The pain usually kept me awake at night. I kind of came to an end like the doctor told me that I would never lay carpet again with the condition my back was in. Little did they know that I had an endless supply of pain Killers.
It was this time that I really felt called to the ministry and Worship with my Acoustic Guitar. It’s funny, I could be totally blind in sin and yet God speaks to me. I felt God wanted me to move north to plant a Church. At the same time my wife’s Uncle needed a carpet layer real bad up north. Wow an answer to prayer!. Or was it? So we went for it. Moved into a nice 2 bedroom 350.00 a month House. It wasn’t long before Erin wanted a bigger, better house. So we moved again into a house that I think we shouldn’t have moved into. I never put my foot down with Erin. She just always seemed to know what was going on, so I trusted her decisions.
Here we are having a youth group in our living room called “The Rock House”. Not aware of rock being cocaine. The town people began to complain to the police. The newspaper wanted a comment. And soon we were labeled a cult… Keep the kids away.
Chapter 13.
Another story; one time on a hot September night. And a 12 pack of beer. My Carpet Laborer, Jeff kuel, began to tell me another ridiculous gang member story of how he shot some guy, he was always the shooter. I had enough! So I just pulled over got him out of my truck and commenced to kick his _ _ _!
We got back in the truck and drove the rest of the way home from Susanville to Chester.
I challenged him to rob the local store of some tequila, when he came back to the truck to my surprise; he actually stuffed a big bottle of tequila in his pants. So we went to a cool little place on the river that had a fire pit. After drinking enough, he started telling me another gang story.
That was all I needed to start swinging again. We started fighting and then I threw him over my hip into the fire pit full of glass. That’s when he fell on my ankle and broke it in several places. We were a bloody mess but I made him get back in my Truck and drive me to the hospital. Erin was pregnant and due with Lisa that day. When she showed up and saw all the blood and the mess I was in, she had enough; she was ready to leave me and told me she was out of here.
Because of my ankle, I couldn’t work for several month’s people were leaving groceries, diapers, and money at our front door. God was blessing me even though I had blown it so bad. I remember pulling my Van over and walking into the woods yelling at God because of our financial predicament. I’ve learned that He is Sovereign not me. He Isn’t white knuckling the throne. Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday and today and forever.
After I healed pretty well. I looked for some Carpet Jobs in Chico, 74 miles south and down the mountain of Chester, Lake Almanor. It was a Thanksgiving weekend, when I got the call to go to work. Usually I didn’t work on weekends especially when we were in town visiting Erin’s Aunt and Uncle. I just so happen to have all my tools with me, so I went to work and got hired at Clean-Rite Carpet Company. I proved I was strong and ready to take on any job.
I worked there in Chico for about six month’s driving back and forth up the mountain to Chester and then in the morning drive back down the hill to Chico. Finally, I asked my boss for an advance to move to Chico. As soon as we could we moved to Chico and settled in.
I tried to Carpet and Vinyl a Super 6 Hotel in Oakland , Ca. Three other laborers myself and a big bottle of Vicodin. It was possible. We drove from Chico, Ca. to Oakland, Ca. and then back for the weekends.
I killed myself and when I got home my Wife Erin took one look at me and took me straight to a Cat scan, Mri and many Doctors. Who gave me as much Vicodin as I wanted.
While I was collecting Worker Comp my boss fired me, which was highly Illegal.
So Erin and I got a lawyer and sued him for firing me. It was because of this I learned a new trade, computers were the future so I tried anything computers.
Chapter 14.
Somehow we went up to Redmond, Or. To visit my Dad Hallahan and over the weekend we visited the Bend, Oregon Calvary Chapel. After a short visit he asked me to be his Youth Pastor. There were 8 Kids. It was a mix of Jr High and High School kids. Some Public Schooled, Some Home Schooled. They were tough odds. I had a complete peace about it. They were giving me a salary and paid for our housing. Erin cried every time I mentioned it. I got my way and over time the group grew to about 50 or so. I was invited to speak once a week to a teen challenge facility. It was a military style last ditch effort to get these kids some kind of regiment and obedience in society. I mostly taught about having a Spirit Filled lifestyle to about 80 teens.
The problem; I wasn’t allowed to use the word, God or Jesus. You try teaching a Bible study without using the words God or Jesus. So I would give hints like “what’s His name? The big guy in the sky?” That’s right….. GOD!. I made them say it.
In the mean time it was like a battle to do ministry with the Pastor. He actually told me that if he were not a Pastor he would kick my - - -!. It seemed like I could never do anything right. The strange thing is that he would come over our house and ask me if I wanted to take the Church and Pastor the Church? I always said “I’m here to hold up your arms”, I’m here for you. After many heated conversations God gave us the go ahead to move. Peace.
I don’t remember how long we were there but finally I called my close friend Brian Bell, who is the Pastor of Calvary Chapel Murrieta, Ca. He told me to get out of there as soon as possible. It just so happen that I got my settlement for my back problem, And we moved back to Temecula. Sometimes God has us in a place for a season. It’s sad to say but the youth group dissolved. What was cool is that I saw many of them as student’s there at the Calvary Chapel Bible College, where I was going to Pastoral School and working there too. Flooring…. of course.
Chapter 15.
After we moved from Bend Oregon we moved to Temecula to a track house in a cool neighborhood where there were lots of Christian youth there.
Once again we had no work or even a lead and I couldn’t work in California unless I had a contractor’s license.
It was funny (temptation came fast) but we got a call from one of the local commercial flooring stores to Vinyl a Gas Station. God spoke to me and said “it would be Illegal to do the job without a contractors license.” So I had to decline even though it meant lot’s of money. The Flooring Store even said it was ok he would overlook the license thing. I still wanted to be obedient to God. So I said sorry but I have to say no..
Erin told me to go to the Bible College and ask for a job. I said no that would be a dream come true. After she convinced me with her gift of discernment I went and turned in a Resume” to Carlos the head of construction. On that Resume I put that I could do just about anything known to mankind except Carpet.
He looked at me and said that’s too bad you don’t lay floors. My floor guy just moved to Hawaii. I had to trust the Lord and so I told him I do lay floors for about 15 yrs at that time. He hired me on the spot and told me and Erin to pack up and go to the Twin Peaks Bible College to replace all the flooring. It was a huge job and I wasn’t sure my back could hold up. Erin and I went up there with no pain killers. So I was without my superman strength. I had to trust God with my back. Every morning I would take a bath before I went to work. So Erin, Josh, Lisa and I lived in a one bedroom College dorm until we finished the carpet there at the College.
It was funny but the college Cook just came by to say hi while I was doing a living room. Some how we got to the pain in my back. He said can I pray for you? He did and I’m not kidding. I was healed right there on the spot.!
The pain was gone ! I was so healed it was weird. But I never mentioned it to Erin. I just wanted to be sure. She finally said are you ok? I said “I think I’m healed. She said well If your healed you better tell someone as a testimony of your healing and give God the Glory. So I told everyone I came into contact with.
Chapter 16.
We came back to Temecula and got a call from one of my best friends Paul Jacobs to go up to Crested Butte, Colorado. To floor a Hotel, Marriot. (13 stories high) Our usual beef with each other was that he was a night owl. He could lay carpet until 5:00am and I was a morning person (200 yds a day)
We really felt God was calling us to Gunnison Co. Just South of Crested Butte, to start a Home Fellowship. A close friend in Ca. offered to give us their Park Model Trailer to save money and get situated. So we had a huge Garage Sale and were sent out to Colorado by the Calvary Chapel there in the Vineyard hills of Temecula. Pastor Clark Van wick.
I must have been feeling pretty Bipolar because we basically pulled a single wide house across America to Colorado. Not kidding, it was that big and that wide. We pulled it with a 1976 Chevy Suburban… Foolish? We planted that trailer there in what is called Three Rivers Resort. We lived there for 2 yrs while my poor wife had to live in it with 3 kids and a Manic Husband in the middle of 20 below 0 tempetures in the Winter.
Finally got some local work and checked out a house Erin picked out from the paper and cried on the front porch for this house she wanted so bad.. Under my breath I prayed “Lord please give her this house, she deserves it!” It was a God thing, but we bought it. 3,500 Sq ft, 5 acres, and the Gunnison River flowed thru it. Awesome!
I think we just looked past the fact that it was a money pit.
During this time I would lay carpet in people’s houses while I was stealing their pain killers. I knew all the usual places people put there drugs.
After yet another MRI the pain med Doctor decided to give me Oxycotin, and told me not to lay floors anymore. Well it’s hard to refuse $4,000 a week especially when the Oxycotin made you feel like Superman.
We lived in Colorado for 5 yrs. Opened a Carpet store a Paint Company and a Church Which I destroyed with my own sin (Porn) It kept my mind and heart so full of guilt and shame, I couldn’t make any clear and right decisions. Internet Porn was too easy to find. So I lived a compartmentalized life. One life as a Pastor of about 75 people and another life as a Flooring Store Owner. I’ll say it now… I was a punk!.
I thought I knew it all. I didn’t know it then but I was very Manic Bipolar.
So many ways to make money, but I would sabotage my life and future. It was because of Porn that I destroyed my family and especially my poor wife. I had no Idea that she was struggling without me around. She stayed home and loved it but I was almost always gone at work.
About that night, I packed a bag of clothes after hearing voices tell me “your not good enough to be a father and Husband” (Schizophrenia) I did take off for work but never showed up. I just drove to Colorado Springs 2 hrs away until my conscience would not leave me alone. What was I doing to my family…. What a Jerk! Go Home!.
Well I checked into a hotel with a pistol and some porn. I finally called home and my beautiful wife begged me to come home, “everything is ok” just come home. So I drove home. As I pulled into the town of Gunnison there were 3 cop cars parked at the first light obviously waiting for me to come. Erin had told them her husband was missing. So they were looking for my truck and guns.
They pulled me over and gave me a sobriety test, talked to me for a wasted half hour and cut me loose. I got home and received a very warm welcome. I needed help with my porn addiction so bad, but I couldn’t look weak or lose my reputation as “The Man, the Boss! Too Cool, get out of my way or I’ll run you over”
But I blew it and it didn’t take long for what I did to travel too far. It was a small town. It was probably just me (schizophrenia) but I thought everyone was staring at me and knew what I had done, and could read my mind. I believe it was because of porn that God tore my ministry apart and got my attention. Brokenness and humility again
Chapter 17
One of the tasks I needed to do was to earn my wife’s trust again. Oh I could put the porn away for a while but like a raging monster it would come back and consume me.
Once while Erin and I were going to a Calvary Chapel Pastor’s Conf. I decided to put to death our diseased goats, 5 of them, before we left.
I had my neighbor come over with his tractor and dug out a good sized hole. I herded them together with a small rope. All I had at the time was a 9mm pistol.
So I shot one and I thought it died. After that gun shot all the goats got loose of my rope and ran away. So there I was chasing goats with a rope in one hand and a 9mm in the other. Embarrassed
I asked my neighbor to help me put them down. He came over and killed the rest.
In the mean time the sheriffs show up and said it was reported that there were several shots up here I explained my way out of that until to my surprise, one of the goats was standing at the fence squirting blood from his neck.. Me and the neighbor did the final deed. Wow, that was exciting, not.
I’ve always had a way with words so when Dennis Akajainian a popular Christian Country singer showed up at one of our Saturday night park Concerts and heard me evangelize to those that were in front of me. He said I really needed to get in touch with his best friend Rodger Shey in Idaho; they needed a Pastor like me out there.
So we made contact and sure enough Rodger wanted to pay for the moving truck and our housing. He was taking a gamble on me. And we on him. We were all excited except for Erin. She felt there was just something wrong. I pushed forward harder. They found a house for my large family into a small 3 bedroom house. So there we were, I was ready to take on the town with Jesus! While my wife cried. I don’t blame her. I just ripped her dream house from under her and sold all her furniture. All we had basically was a couch our clothes, some beds and a black Labrador.
There’s another saying that goes like this. “watch out for the person who picks you up at the train station”. Erin knew there was something wrong with Rodger and his wife. Even my little son Josh had a dream that Rodger was holding a gun behind his back.
Now after all my Doctor visit’s and pain Meds for my back their final decision was to put me on Oxycotin. I was taking Oxy for about a year when Erin and I decided it was time to get off of it because of all the side effects ect.
On the road and moving to Driggs, Idaho, .Erin checked me into a beautiful Resort Hotel to kick the Oxycotin. She nursed me thru my withdrawals. They were so bad I thought I was going to die. I. laid in bed for about a week while it felt like my skin was crawling off of me. It was then that I had to meet with Rodger and the board of Elders at the Community Church, while I was still going through some withdrawals. That was crazy and crazy
I had to buck up and bite the ministry bullet. Or was I even called to do that? I’m not sure. I felt confident; I thought I was called at the time.
But knowing my Jesus, He will take the string and stretch it to it’s limit. That’s always been me. I should just say “here I am Lord please stretch me some more”.
Anyway the Pulpit Committee was looking for a Pastor for their Community Church in Driggs, Id. Rodger volunteered me to fill the position, gave me a pep talk and said go for it. I told them I had no desire to change them or the name of the Church which kind a got me off the hook. I could tell they didn’t like me or Calvary Chapel. They knew where I was coming from before I arrived. As I delivered my best “hire me now or I’m Starting a Church anyway” they looked at me like I had three eyeballs. In the mean time we had Bible Studies in Rodgers Living Room. It was a beautiful log house and 15 people.
My relationship with Rodger was always good as long as I obeyed, Pastored and did what he said and that was it. If I made decisions by myself or stepped on his toes and did something on my own he would get angry about it. One time while he was on business in Santa Barbra Ca. I introduced, a bulletin to the Bible Study, that stated we were looking for a building to move into and that we were seeking to name it Calvary Chapel. He was very upset that I did that and everything kind a went downhill from then on. I tried to communicate with him. But it never seemed to clear the air.
We did end up moving the living room Fellowship into a building and had about 75 people coming. It was a blast. But Rodger pulled the plug on that and split the church. He was a loose cannon. He stopped the salary he promised if we moved to Driggs. He stopped his support of the fellowships tithes and our housing which he also promised. So that kind a killed it. I had to find yet another flooring Job. God did it.
So we moved from a great place to having Fellowship in a hotel meeting room. It soon fell apart too. It seemed Rodger had a hand in keeping people from coming to the Fellowship.
So there we were, Erin and the kids just teaching Gods Word to anyone that would come. I would communicate with the Idaho Falls Calvary Chapel Pastor Rick Brown, regularly. One day he asked if he could take me to lunch and it was then that he asked me to be his youth group Pastor. Awesome! God wasn’t finished with me yet. So they moved us into a nice house they paid for and put me on a salary. It was there that I must have been very Manic Bipolar because I was teaching the youth on Sundays 3 services and at the sanctuary across the street from the High School 4 sermons a day. They came as they signed it up as an elective. 1 Wednesday night. So a total of 8 sermons a week. And put together the worship for those 8 meetings.
Then I gambled with porn again (hey, are you ever gonna get it!) then I heard that familiar voice, “just leave, go anywhere.” It was like Pastor Rick could read my mind, I needed to be released from my responsibilities, but yet it was embarrassing to ask for a second chance. Rick fired me and I lost my perfect job, my reputation and Integrity if I had any. I had to earn my wife’s trust yet again. Would she quit me too? I felt lonely.
Just how many times could I drag my wife through my problems, Spiritual and Physical? I am not joking when I say God had me on a very short leash. If I sinned continually God would remove me and my family from ministry. Deuteronomy 30:11-20. Please get your Bible out and read it, please. It’s awesome! We would almost always start again from scratch. My wife is a corker. Yet, no matter what I did she still loved and supported me. Maybe she crazy in love? I’ll take door number 2.
When I backslid in Idaho Falls Rick and the elders gave me a $7,000 severance pay. I think he just didn’t want me sticking around starting another Calvary Chapel and yet another Church split for him. He said we could move anywhere. We packed the U-Haul with 2 elders packing our stuff and even stayed until we pulled out of the driveway.
We moved back to Erin’s home town Lake Almanor. We put everything in storage and found the best camp site we could find. We lived there on the lake for 3 weeks to a month. Until I started laying floors again for Erin’s Uncle. Erin found us a cool house to move into and we lived there another 5 yrs.
In our second year Erin thought something must be wrong with me. I don’t know how or what happened but she got us some counseling which brought us to Reno, NV. Where we sought out some spiritual counseling. It was a Focus on the Family counselor and he almost automatically said that I was Bipolar 1. A hundred buck’s later. I was angry with my Mom because being Bipolar is genetic. And then I was scared and confused because I came to grips that my whole life was the fall out of a chemically imbalanced life. Were any of my decisions right or wrong? And now what?
I was drinking a lot and still taking a lot of Pain Killers. Never again would I take Oxycotin. Oxy scared me. Even though the Doctors in Lake Almanor asked me if I wanted some, Erin and I flatly refused. Yet I was a mess. I needed to be broken. So one Sunday I went forward to be prayed for and confessed my Porn and Alcohol addiction to a Pastor.
I just never had someone I could count on as my rock or close brother. Not since Bob Chapel or Brian Bell. You know, like my Jesus…Jesus Christ the same yesterday and today and forever. No matter how much I change or grow in the Lord He will always be the same. I will say this; my wife has been a Rock this whole time for at least for 20 years and it hasn’t been until now that I count on her as being my Rock.
Mat 7:24 Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on a rock.

Somebody could have easily asked me if I was really a Christian. My life didn’t say it. So after yet more porn I got fired from my new carpet job with Erin’s Aunt and Uncle.. Remember the short leash? Well that voice came back to “take off”. I was returning a brand new Ford Van to the dealership and exchanged it for our old Lifted 4x4 Ford Van. That van was cool. The dealership traded it back all because the Van deal didn’t go thru. I was embarrassed.
So I filled our old van with gas, got a case of Corona’s no porn this time, and drove highway 5 South to Oceanside, Ca. . It was about 9: pm in Oceanside. There were no waves and so I called my Wife and she said “It didn’t matter what I did just come home” So I filled it up again and drove home. She’s either crazier than I am or she just really loves me. I came home to a warm reception. No condemnation.
Erin got me on some Zeprexa a Bipolar med. That changed my life. It worked. But I still went to counseling and a hippie psychologist.
It took months before I felt restored to vanilla Dave. Finding out that I have been Bipolar my whole life really messed with me. It was the guilt and shame that kept me from Jesus… by the way that’s another trick from satan. If he can keep you deep in shame and guilt he can keep you from Jesus.
What should you do? Trust in Gods Grace and justification and by faith walk forward as a child of God. Oh, yes God may get the rod of correction out but that’s because He loves you. Heb 12:5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons, "My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when you are rebuked by Him;
Heb 12:6 for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and He scourges every son whom He receives."

I don’t remember what happened (Bipolar Mania) but we had a huge garage sale and were prepped to move to Arizona… What? Why? So I could be closer to the Mexican boarder for Pain Killers. That must make sense to someone, right?. I finally went on permanent Social Security for my Bipolar Illness. I Had a permanent Physiologist and a Christian Counselor every 2 weeks. Ok I’m good, really?

We never did move. We stayed and Erin found a state school program for me to learn about Web Designing and somehow we got a settlement for $24,000. Enough to move again? Yes, anywhere but away from my failures. My poor kids have moved 14 times, no kidding we counted. We did cleanup from drugs I think and prayed for 2 yrs about where to grow where were planted. The lowest cost of living in America was; Kentucky, South Dakota and Tennessee.
I don’t honestly know if it was our flesh or the Holy Spirit, but we moved to Kentucky it just felt peaceful. 4.000 sq ft. 5 bedrooms on 5 acres and a highway in our front yard.
We found out it was the Chrystal Meth capitol of Kentucky. That was a bummer.
We started teaching Gods Word in our living room until we outgrew it. Then we moved to our garage and had about 40 people coming. But what was weird is that every weekend fewer and fewer people were coming until it was just the original crew.
It was then that I finally threw in the towel on Ministry. And decided God really just wanted me to minister to my family, Duh! Or was I ever called to Pastor at all?.
After I quit trying to start churches we came to visit a Calvary Chapel in the next town Glasgow, Ky. The Pastor came from the same church we did in Temecula, California. He was so kind and filled with the love of God. So I thought I would test him out and told him I was Bipolar. He didn’t even flinch. As a matter of fact we grew closer as Brothers in the Lord. We were best Friends….Baptized people together, shared his pulpit with me to teach whatever God put on my heart. I even became the Men’s Fellowship Pastor for about 6 months. We met with the Men on Saturday am’s and Breakfast. The Side Effects of my Bipolar Meds kept me stuttering and shaking, so I had to stop that ministry too. Probably because of porn, who knows.
On Sundays around 7:00 pm we would go out to the Hingles House for some prayer and local fellowship. It was good but they believed that whatever you said would come to be. So don’t ever say you have the flu. Enough said. Speak things into existence.
My oldest Son Josh had the first vision for Montana. So Josh, Lisa and Momma went at it, looking for houses on the Internet. And found a killer House. We got the ABF trailer and as we were leaving a man came forward and asked if he could rent our house. God worked it all out and so here we are in Montana 20 acres 3 barns, and a huge spring in our backyard. 2 horses, 20 chickens, 2 Dogs, 3 cats and 2 ducks.. Finally normal people in Montana and a good Church. God literally furnished all the furniture in the house.. Couches, overstuffed Chairs, carpet and a king sized bed in our master bed.

Now….
Josh is taking the lead with Christian-internet.com. He is doing all the sales and overseeing the production of all our website Jobs and all our SEO Marketing.
Caleb is heavily involved with the Media at our new church and with a local program that teaches people how to direct and produce and edit movies.
Micah does all our logos. He’s the art man of “4 Brothers Media ” graphic design and website design.
Christian the littlest of our family just models for the hairdressers. Takes out the trash and gets firewood.
I have a Christian psychiatrist and a Christian Counselor of whom I see every two weeks. My beautiful wife has narrowed all my bipolar meds down to only the ones I need and what works. Thank You Babe….
I am embarrassed to confess that I have tried to commit suicide 5 times now in my lifetime…. Remember the short leash? Recently my suicide attempt / comma of 5 days in the Hospital has brought me closer to Jesus. Erin say’s I make Jesus famous… I don’t get it. I’ve learned to just keep on keeping on and ignore the voices. walking in fellowship with the Holy Spirit. I take my Meds consistently and see the professionals that help me keep my mind straight.. Besides, God has told me my family needs me, Thank you Jesus.! When your knee deep in depression you don’t think of these things.
There is not a man alive that is not consumed with themselves, how I look or how to say what’s on my mind or is Ephesians the Word says… Eph 5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord loves the church.

I read more of my Bible and extra books that help my growth. Some books I recommend are “Surviving Bipolar Mania and Depression” by Torrey. It’s at your library.
I have a “bipolar Christian Fellowship Face book”
A Overflow Devotional on face book.
And a Blog www.Christianbipolarfellowship.blogspot.org . All of these are for the encouragement and discipleship of Bipolar’s like me.. It’s fun and no confrontation. I love to exhort. “you can make it through this day”
My Wife is incredible. She leads by example, how to serve her family and her sick Husband just about every day. I couldn’t survive without my wife. She is a Bible thumpin rock. A very serious Republican. I mean she writes letters to our senators and congress men. She’s incredible.
Even if someone messes with my bipolar meds she will have you fired no kidding.
My World today is better than it has ever been. Vanilla is great! As long as I check in with my Wife I know everything is ordinary. Most of my day I feel out of reach of reality. But I can trust her and Jesus with my day and life. I just do what she says then I know I will be all right.
Sobriety has brought me back into reality and I must say sobriety sucks. I trust Jesus and Gods Word for a clean mind.
Heb_4:12 For the Word of God is living and powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing apart of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Dave…
dave@christian-internet.com